Dan Griffin tells the story of two fish swimming around one day when another fish comes up and says, “How’s the water?”
The two fish look at each other and say, “What’s water?”
For most fish (I suppose) the water is just there, unrecognized, unacknowledged. It’s just the way things are.
According to Dan, the water that men swim in, mostly without knowing it, is made up of The Man Rules ®. These are:
Don’t be weak
Don’t show your emotions
Don’t cry
Don’t care about relationships
Don’t ask for help
You may not consciously subscribe to these rules, but for many of us, they are there nevertheless, part of the environment, the water, we live in. If some of the time we do feel weak, or want to cry, or want help, or love, we think on some level, “Well, I must not be much of a man.” So we’d better “man up.” Pull it together, pretend to be brave, laugh it off, stop caring. Work harder, or play harder, drink, isolate, keep your problems to yourself. Even when really bad things happen.
Sadly, a lot of terrible things happen to men and boys. But the Man Rules keep us from reaching out for help, and keep us from healing. And they keep us from the relationships we want.
What I have discovered for myself, and in the people I work with, is that when men do reach out – in courageous defiance of the Man Rules – they can experience enormous relief and a new found sense of freedom. That step sets in motion a process of becoming more the man they really are and want to be. For me, the opportunity to start talking about my experiences and my inner world, and – almost miraculously, it seemed to me – to be heard without the long expected judgment, was the first step into a new kind of life.
I encourage you to take that step for yourself. You won’t regret it.