“You’re not that powerful.” There have been times in my life that I have needed to hear these words. And sometimes they are words I say to my clients. It’s really important to get clear about what is in your control, and what is not.
Frequently we get trapped in believing that we are capable – or should be capable – of achieving things that are actually outside of our power. Often it’s something to do with other people. The belief that I can change a partner’s feelings or behaviour; I can make someone love me; I can make them stop drinking, or I can make them happy. The belief that I can, or should be able to, mend relationships with or between parents or siblings when those people are pulling in other directions. Or I can ensure that everything in a business project or on a worksite goes exactly according to plan; that a job depends only on my ability for success, or that its failure is entirely my responsibility. Often we wouldn’t subscribe explicitly to these beliefs, but there are parts of us that undoubtedly hold them – often “young” parts that took them on long ago, innocently and with good intention.
We forget that other people are independent beings, that they make decisions, feel and behave irrespective of our plans or efforts. We forget that many things are quite out of our control; that people other than ourselves impact the world, and that sometimes things happen for no reason that we can discern. We forget that neither our successes or our mistakes dictate how the world unfolds. (In the language of CBT, this is a kind of cognitive distortion, referred to as a control fallacy.)
The problem with this is that we end up devoting huge amounts of energy to impossible causes. We believe we should be able to fix every problem; and when we run up against the reality that we cannot, we feel guilty and ashamed, we blame ourselves or lash out against others. And from that can stem all sorts of trouble, including depression and anxiety, low self-esteem, burnout and addiction.
What are you trying to do in your life that is actually beyond your control? What wall are you banging your head against? What’s the context in which you need to hear the words, “You’re not that powerful”?
It can be a hard question to face. But if you can answer it with realism, humility and compassion for yourself and others, it can be a tremendous relief, an opportunity to shed the burden of responsibilities that are not yours. It is also an opportunity to get real about what IS in your control, what is your responsibility, and to redirect your energy there. Once you realize that you cannot control what everyone else thinks of you, you can turn your attention to acting in ways that are in alignment with who you are and what you really want instead of twisting yourself into shapes you think others want you to be. In relationships, it’s only once you stop trying to change your partner, or yourself, to maintain an ideal or fantasy, that you can really get to know who you’re with, and potentially appreciate and love them for who they really are.
If you want help understanding out what is within your power, and what is not, get in touch. Counselling can be an important step towards having more freedom and agency in your life.