I’ve had a number of conversations with clients recently about “letting go.” People have asked, “How do I stop holding grudges?,” “How do I forgive?,” “How do I stop beating myself up?,” “How do I let go of this obsessive thought?,” “How do I quit this addictive behaviour?”
I think the first thing we have to do to let go of something is to recognize that we are actively holding on to it, for a reason, and that doing so is causing us pain. Try picking up something you can hold in one hand, like a pen or a stone. Make a fist around it and hold it tight. Feel it in your hand, perhaps it digs in a little, or your fingers hurt. If you’re holding really tight, the tension probably goes up your arm, even into your shoulders and back. Perhaps you hold your breath and grimace. This is what holding on is like. Recognizing that we are holding on, sometimes chronically – and that there is a cost to holding on – is to take responsibility, and reveals the possibility that we can also let go.
If I tell you now to let go of whatever you’re holding, you may find yourself opening your fist suddenly so the object drops to the floor. You might even throw it down. People often seem to think of letting go like this. That I should be able to drop it, get rid of it, through a once-and-for-all act of will, just like that. A more realistic and kinder path might be to turn your hand so that the covered palm is facing upwards, take some breath, and gradually release the tension, let your fingers slowly uncurl and open. The object doesn’t go anywhere, the grudge or the hurt or the fixed belief or behaviour hasn’t disappeared, but you are no longer holding on to it so tight. There is physical and mental relief in the letting go. As you do this, perhaps you can see the object more clearly, perhaps understand why you have held onto it for so long, feel some compassion for yourself and for others for the pain that comes with the holding on. When we are ready, we can choose to put the object down and direct out attention elsewhere, and get on with our lives.
Counselling can help with this process. Taking responsibility isn’t always easy. It can be hard to understand quite why we choose to hold on. But the work is worth it. I have come to believe that very often the things we hold onto actually want to be let go. Give them a chance and they will move. Letting go is a way of liberating yourself and others.
[Thank you to David Raithby for showing me this image of holding on and letting go.]